I lost my rock, my confidant. A brilliant man full of brilliant wisdom. A strong man who held me up through thick and thin. Who held me close, loved me dearly, and dried every tear.
A stunning man, with a crooked smile. Strong hands, they were the strongest hands I have ever touched. But they felt so good, so reassuring. Hands that could knit, crochet and stitch. Hands that could build, fix, and design. Hands that developed beautiful pictures, created breath taking jewelry, and labored in God's love daily.
Hands that were held in marriage to the end, washed in the water of his children's baptism, bathed in the tears of his loved ones. Hands that were scared, cut, and broken, but beautiful to behold.
I would love to touch those hands. They are the only part I can remember. They were our last form of communication, the last, "I love yous". The strong firm grasp never faded, only turned cold. I should have held harder! I should have held longer!
My own fail miserably by comparison. They shake and tremble, they grow weak and tired. They cannot support a ring, no longer form any words, and long to avoid the touch of others.
Please take my hand, and hold me up. Let me feel for one fleeting moment your love and strength flow through them and rejuvenate my soul. Please just take my hand.............
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."
Rober Fritz
Someone told me this quote today. Compromise huh? Is compromise a good thing or a bad thing??
Sometimes a compromise can solve a difficult problem. Other times compromise is considered a necessary evil. How much can one person compromise??
Cheeseburger or Salad
Compromise on veggie burger
Does anyone ever really WANT a veggie burger??
Does compromise translate into give up??
Think back to the last compromise you made.....were you satisfied?? Don't get me wrong compromise is necessary in life, but at what stage of compromise do you begin to chip away at your beliefs, morals, and feelings.
So......
At a stalemate use compromise,
At best follow your heart.
Rober Fritz
Someone told me this quote today. Compromise huh? Is compromise a good thing or a bad thing??
Sometimes a compromise can solve a difficult problem. Other times compromise is considered a necessary evil. How much can one person compromise??
Cheeseburger or Salad
Compromise on veggie burger
Does anyone ever really WANT a veggie burger??
Does compromise translate into give up??
Think back to the last compromise you made.....were you satisfied?? Don't get me wrong compromise is necessary in life, but at what stage of compromise do you begin to chip away at your beliefs, morals, and feelings.
So......
At a stalemate use compromise,
At best follow your heart.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Babbling Idiot
I heard a quote the other day. I don't remember it word for word, but it was something like ~when someone falls in love it is then that they become a liar. It struck me to my core. Why do we consistently hurt people we love? Do our brains override all rational thought in an attempt to in some way protect this person that we love?
I guess the first question is what quantifies love? I believe in love. I have seen it happen. Someone asked me a while back if I knew anyone who was truly in love. My parents were head over heals in love with each other, and it looked so easy. I asked my mom if it really WAS easy and she laughed, for the first time in quite awhile at the mention of my father, and said, "Absolutely not, but it was worth every struggle." So is that what quantifies true love? If you look at the bad as being part of the good? Something you willingly endure for fear of loosing that one person?
So back to the idea of lying to those that we love. No one can ever be completely honest in any relationship, romantic or not. I love my child with all my heart and I lie to him, a lot. I lie to protect him. From things he is too young to understand, about Santa Claus watching his every move, to why you need to eat your vegetables. I do it to protect him, his innocence. In romantic relationships we don't see lies that way, we view it as a vengeful, piercing act.
So when does it actually cross the line? At what point do the lies to protect the other party turn to lies to protect ourselves? These lies are no longer out of love and protection, but pure survival. A method to break free from a life we don't want to live.
On a regular basis I try to evaluate what I am willing to sacrifice; financially, recreationally, and emotionally. My latest exam found I am willing to sacrifice very little emotionally. I don't know if this makes me emotionally unstable or emotionally sound. I know that I am not willing to go into survival mode. I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to live. I want to have my breath taken away by the slightest touch of some one's hand, I want to look at someone and see their soul, and I want to feel their soul when I touch their chest. Maybe I ask too much, but having been given a glimpse I feel it is possible and will accept nothing less. I would rather live free in the idea of life than in another false imprisonment.
"I want to love,
love you that much,
cash it all in, give it all up,
and when you are gone,
I want to go too"
-Heidi Newfield
I guess the first question is what quantifies love? I believe in love. I have seen it happen. Someone asked me a while back if I knew anyone who was truly in love. My parents were head over heals in love with each other, and it looked so easy. I asked my mom if it really WAS easy and she laughed, for the first time in quite awhile at the mention of my father, and said, "Absolutely not, but it was worth every struggle." So is that what quantifies true love? If you look at the bad as being part of the good? Something you willingly endure for fear of loosing that one person?
So back to the idea of lying to those that we love. No one can ever be completely honest in any relationship, romantic or not. I love my child with all my heart and I lie to him, a lot. I lie to protect him. From things he is too young to understand, about Santa Claus watching his every move, to why you need to eat your vegetables. I do it to protect him, his innocence. In romantic relationships we don't see lies that way, we view it as a vengeful, piercing act.
So when does it actually cross the line? At what point do the lies to protect the other party turn to lies to protect ourselves? These lies are no longer out of love and protection, but pure survival. A method to break free from a life we don't want to live.
On a regular basis I try to evaluate what I am willing to sacrifice; financially, recreationally, and emotionally. My latest exam found I am willing to sacrifice very little emotionally. I don't know if this makes me emotionally unstable or emotionally sound. I know that I am not willing to go into survival mode. I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to live. I want to have my breath taken away by the slightest touch of some one's hand, I want to look at someone and see their soul, and I want to feel their soul when I touch their chest. Maybe I ask too much, but having been given a glimpse I feel it is possible and will accept nothing less. I would rather live free in the idea of life than in another false imprisonment.
"I want to love,
love you that much,
cash it all in, give it all up,
and when you are gone,
I want to go too"
-Heidi Newfield
Sunday, November 9, 2008
April 16th, 2008
Things have been SOOOO crazy lately, I feel like I don't even have time to breathe.
School is closing in fast and there is so much to do, Caleb is getting older (he just turned 4) and there is so much more to teach him. By the time he goes to bed at night I am so exhausted that I crash, only to get up early and do it all over again. Lately, I have felt like my life kinda sucks. But then I got today.
What would be the only nice day in the forecast for sometime C and I decided to seize the moment and head out on his new bike and one I borrowed from Jessica. We biked the river road path, played at the park, biked back, watched a huge crane lower the riverboat into the water, and then had lunch at Merriweather's. C thought that an outdoor restaurant was the greatest thing in the world until a bug landed while we were waiting for our check.
Not ready to give up the beautiful weather (with the exception of a little wind), I decided we would scope out the zoo. The train wasn't running and a lot of the corn machines took quarters, but rendered no corn. Yet, we overcame these obstacles to have a great day. C purchased the softest kangaroo i have ever felt and we headed home. He fell asleep on the way. We had a supper of a party pizza and sponge bob cheez-its. (my parental instinct checked out at noon) C watched his show for the night and I started watching Juno.
C listened and questioned vocabulary (especially "punch him in the wiener") but didn't get real into it. He got into jammies 3/4 of the way through and played trucks for a bit, then he came and sat in my lap. Approximately 3.2 minutes later he was asleep with his nose tucked in my chin.
My life may not be glamorous. But he is the best thing that could ever happen to a person. I wouldn't trade this mundane existence for the world, and all it took was a four year old to fall asleep in my lap for me to realize that I have more than some people could ever dream of. No matter what he turns out to be, the opportunity to be a parent is, and will always be, the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you Caleb, for being my teacher.
School is closing in fast and there is so much to do, Caleb is getting older (he just turned 4) and there is so much more to teach him. By the time he goes to bed at night I am so exhausted that I crash, only to get up early and do it all over again. Lately, I have felt like my life kinda sucks. But then I got today.
What would be the only nice day in the forecast for sometime C and I decided to seize the moment and head out on his new bike and one I borrowed from Jessica. We biked the river road path, played at the park, biked back, watched a huge crane lower the riverboat into the water, and then had lunch at Merriweather's. C thought that an outdoor restaurant was the greatest thing in the world until a bug landed while we were waiting for our check.
Not ready to give up the beautiful weather (with the exception of a little wind), I decided we would scope out the zoo. The train wasn't running and a lot of the corn machines took quarters, but rendered no corn. Yet, we overcame these obstacles to have a great day. C purchased the softest kangaroo i have ever felt and we headed home. He fell asleep on the way. We had a supper of a party pizza and sponge bob cheez-its. (my parental instinct checked out at noon) C watched his show for the night and I started watching Juno.
C listened and questioned vocabulary (especially "punch him in the wiener") but didn't get real into it. He got into jammies 3/4 of the way through and played trucks for a bit, then he came and sat in my lap. Approximately 3.2 minutes later he was asleep with his nose tucked in my chin.
My life may not be glamorous. But he is the best thing that could ever happen to a person. I wouldn't trade this mundane existence for the world, and all it took was a four year old to fall asleep in my lap for me to realize that I have more than some people could ever dream of. No matter what he turns out to be, the opportunity to be a parent is, and will always be, the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you Caleb, for being my teacher.
Feb 28th, 2008
Man, one year. A lot of things happen in one year. There were a lot of times where I didn't think I could make it with out him. I am sure there will be many more. Watching Caleb over the past year there have been so many times where I just can't believe how much he is like my Dad. I worry so much about Caleb not being able to grow up with this Grandpa, but I now realize his Grandpa taught him quite a bit in the short time they had together. I know my Dad watches over me, and when I miss him a lot I look at Caleb and I can see a little bit of him. I saw a sign last night that said, "No matter how big she gets, she still misses her Daddy" How true, how true...................
June 30th, 2007
Changes
Wow, I just read my last entry. Exactly one month after I wrote it at 2 pm my father went to his heavenly home. He was diagnosed with cancer on June 21, 2006 and passed away Feb. 28th, 2007. 8 months.
The weird part is it is all just hitting me now.
What else could I have said? What else could I have done?? What breaks my heart the most is the idea that he is missing all of the amazing things that I get to enjoy with Caleb. He deserved to enjoy being a grandfather for longer than he did.
Caleb tells me that he still plays with grandpa and that grandpa feels better now, he even told me about a baby that wears white socks that lives in heaven with grandpa. When I told my mom what he said, she told me she had a miscarriage before Chris and I. She told my Dad she was pregnant by giving him a pair of white booties. So who knows, I guess he still is being an amazing grandfather.
In the end, Love your family. Tell them often and treasure memories and continue to make new ones. Love you all!!
Wow, I just read my last entry. Exactly one month after I wrote it at 2 pm my father went to his heavenly home. He was diagnosed with cancer on June 21, 2006 and passed away Feb. 28th, 2007. 8 months.
The weird part is it is all just hitting me now.
What else could I have said? What else could I have done?? What breaks my heart the most is the idea that he is missing all of the amazing things that I get to enjoy with Caleb. He deserved to enjoy being a grandfather for longer than he did.
Caleb tells me that he still plays with grandpa and that grandpa feels better now, he even told me about a baby that wears white socks that lives in heaven with grandpa. When I told my mom what he said, she told me she had a miscarriage before Chris and I. She told my Dad she was pregnant by giving him a pair of white booties. So who knows, I guess he still is being an amazing grandfather.
In the end, Love your family. Tell them often and treasure memories and continue to make new ones. Love you all!!
Wrote this on Jan 28, 2007
My Dad is the greatest man I have ever known.
Yesterday, my cat died, a few weeks before that my dog died. They both lived on my parents farm. My son loved them both. Not as much as he loves his grandpa. Last night he started talking about Sophie and Sadie (the cat and the dog). I don't have the heart to try to explain to him what happened.
Then he was looking at pictures this morning of my dad and him at his birthday last year. He told me that when grandpa feels better they are going to go ride bike. I realized I am going to have to explain that too.
My best friend told me that my Dad did his job, and what ever happens will be ok. Because he raised his daughter, loved his wife, watched his son turn into a man (that someone is finally willing to marry, god bless Jessica), and got to meet his beautiful grandson, that he did his job and it will be ok.
It just seems like there is SO much more to do, and days where I feel like I can't do it without him. We find out what the chemo has been doing besides making him miserable in about 3 weeks. Come on God, now would be a good time, thank you for what you have given me, but I think we still need some more time.
Yesterday, my cat died, a few weeks before that my dog died. They both lived on my parents farm. My son loved them both. Not as much as he loves his grandpa. Last night he started talking about Sophie and Sadie (the cat and the dog). I don't have the heart to try to explain to him what happened.
Then he was looking at pictures this morning of my dad and him at his birthday last year. He told me that when grandpa feels better they are going to go ride bike. I realized I am going to have to explain that too.
My best friend told me that my Dad did his job, and what ever happens will be ok. Because he raised his daughter, loved his wife, watched his son turn into a man (that someone is finally willing to marry, god bless Jessica), and got to meet his beautiful grandson, that he did his job and it will be ok.
It just seems like there is SO much more to do, and days where I feel like I can't do it without him. We find out what the chemo has been doing besides making him miserable in about 3 weeks. Come on God, now would be a good time, thank you for what you have given me, but I think we still need some more time.
Small things
Work,Music Class, Hockey Practice, Groceries, Bills, Play dates..........There is too much. To much to do in one day, one week, or even a lifetime. So what should suffer?? Should my house be clean or my child happy?? Should we get a good nights rest or embrace an opportunity to play a little longer?? Seemingly lightweight questions in a heavy time.
Looking back my childhood was filled with amazing, wonderful, enchanted moments. None of them revolved around anything scheduled. Most of those moments were days spent in a pasture looking for crocuses, tee pee rings, or just interesting looking rocks. A bucket of random items offered up to sacrifice to appease our imaginations.
Quite often I am told I am the "greatest Mom ever!" I understand that most of the time it is in response to a tangible item, but I still allow my ego to grow. Yet, there are times where this description of grander comes following a priceless act. An unexpected adventure on our bikes, a day of laying in the snow and looking at the clouds, or even making the perfect thing to eat at just the right time will prompt this level of gratitude. This serves as my reassurance.
It doesn't matter how much I can buy him, what programs or classes I can enroll him in or where we go on vacation. All that matters is that he too will have these memories of days spent with the sole purpose of him, of my love for him.
Looking back my childhood was filled with amazing, wonderful, enchanted moments. None of them revolved around anything scheduled. Most of those moments were days spent in a pasture looking for crocuses, tee pee rings, or just interesting looking rocks. A bucket of random items offered up to sacrifice to appease our imaginations.
Quite often I am told I am the "greatest Mom ever!" I understand that most of the time it is in response to a tangible item, but I still allow my ego to grow. Yet, there are times where this description of grander comes following a priceless act. An unexpected adventure on our bikes, a day of laying in the snow and looking at the clouds, or even making the perfect thing to eat at just the right time will prompt this level of gratitude. This serves as my reassurance.
It doesn't matter how much I can buy him, what programs or classes I can enroll him in or where we go on vacation. All that matters is that he too will have these memories of days spent with the sole purpose of him, of my love for him.
Ok, so now it is my turn.
I am a critical person....always. I think I have been forced to be this way. I was raised to be a pleasing person. My parents were phenomenal, but in our small town setting you were raised to make others happy. You would sacrifice personal pleasure to assure that others had their needs met in a gracious fashion. For the most part you were met in return with gratitude and actions in kind.
When I left that small town for an only slightly bigger town, I did not realize the fundamental truth that people suck. So here I am with my good hearted ideals, and I trust in others. In this new setting though, the response found was quite different. It took me some time and some heartache before realizing the gracious servitude taught to me as a child would no longer serve me as an adult.
I think this is why I am so critical. That or I am now old, bitter, and cynical, but either way, I have a hard time "softening up." So I joke and jeer at those who still look at the world with that romantic view, and I guess I should offer myself up for the same response.
So I guess this blog, that I opened last spring, has sat empty for long enough. It is time to take my lumps!
When I left that small town for an only slightly bigger town, I did not realize the fundamental truth that people suck. So here I am with my good hearted ideals, and I trust in others. In this new setting though, the response found was quite different. It took me some time and some heartache before realizing the gracious servitude taught to me as a child would no longer serve me as an adult.
I think this is why I am so critical. That or I am now old, bitter, and cynical, but either way, I have a hard time "softening up." So I joke and jeer at those who still look at the world with that romantic view, and I guess I should offer myself up for the same response.
So I guess this blog, that I opened last spring, has sat empty for long enough. It is time to take my lumps!
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